~ snow are falling ~

20岁的身躯住着60岁的心灵

2010-12-15T23:53:00.002+08:00

不知何故突然觉得进了大学后，整个心态与处世态度都有了180度的转变。心理年龄在不到一年的时间内飞奔直上，开始懂得回顾人生，感叹人世间的无奈与情愁。（听起来真的像70、80岁的老人在说故吧？）

一直以来，我都在潜意识里清楚知道自己的责任，也一直都认为我有尽到身为长女的责任。可是，在家的这几天却让我当头棒一击，发现原来自己并没有想象中那么伟大、可怜。不知是即将出国的缘故还是为何，最近在家时总会有莫名的觉悟与愧疚。

前些日子刚为了日渐疏远的父女关系而伤心难过，现在又为了成天在家做一成不变的家务却毫无怨言的母亲而感到心疼。

看到母亲在大家都熟睡的当儿仍忙着打扫烹煮完的肮脏厨房时，我心里不禁感到深深的亏欠。她是多么辛苦，每天任劳任怨地在厨房里准备3餐给全家吃，而我们却常常为了自己的私事而忘了吃饭，将饭菜浪费掉。比照别人的家，我想我们家的小孩还真是被父母宠坏了。虽然妈妈常会提醒我们吃饱饭要把碗筷拿去厨房洗干净，可是不懂事的弟妹却老是在吃饱后就拍拍屁股走人，将碗筷遗留在那。

早上5点多就起身开始一日的生活至晚上11、12点钟。看着母亲打理家务的模样，不禁觉得她真的好厉害。一个年过半百的人，体力竟然比我这个年轻人还要好。而且，我想，即便以后我有个家后，我也绝对不可能会像她一样那么牺牲自己，什么都自己做，不叫子女帮忙。可是，想想也是，妈妈应该已经对我们感到彻底失望了吧。

一个17岁的男生，却一点也没有男人的风范。
一个10岁的女生，虽说不能要求太多，但我在她的年龄时就已经得照顾家庭。

出国时帮父母看清楚公文，解释文件给他们听。出外时帮家人点菜，还得顾及全家的胃口。一个不懂事，不负责任的直接不看菜谱要我点菜。另一个则一点都不会翻译英文给父母听，即便是简单的数学题。每回遇上这类情况时，我不禁回想，是不是我替他们做太多了，以至于他们现今这种不负责任，吊儿郎当的态度。如果没有我这个姐姐在，他们是否就会变得更成熟些呢？可是，我还是不敢将一切放下，把年迈的父母交到他们手中。或许，这就是人的宿命吧。有些人天生就是毫无顾虑，一切都有他人来替他解决。

我不是在埋怨要照顾这个家，而是为了不懂事的弟妹感到难过。我在他们年纪时，因情况所需而被迫迅速成长。他们呢，无忧无虑的，也不知何时才会长大，开始懂得替父母着想。

i want my dad to live forever...

2010-12-08T23:52:00.003+08:00

i have yet to leave sg and am supposed to be hard at work trying to muster a passing grade for accounting that wouldnt pull my cui gpa down any further but the feeling just hit me all of a sudden.

being in hall was a relief previously since there are no distractions with the exception of my laptop and the ever-present facebook. was able to do my work quietly and govern my own time so was really happy to be able to stay in hall.

came home today to retrieve my gc for the sch's approval sticker and while i was in my room trying to study, it just hit me all of a sudden; how lonely my dad is and how long it has been since i last talked to him properly. I am always busy with my school work or simply too lazy to accompany him when he goes on his nightly walk which I know he did partly to kill boredom and partly to exercise as well. It just struck me that I claim to be a filial daughter who cares alot for my family but actually, I have not been doing anything for my parents at all, esp my dad who dotes on me so much. All I have been doing is to ask him for money or talk to him when I have questions to ask. Gone were the days when we would sit in a room together and just chit chat about random things that happened while I do my work.

The trip home, which in itself was a purposeful one, has made me look at my dad closely and quietly for once in a long long while and realise that he is aging. such a cliche word but, the full impact of his age and remaining years in life just hit me now. white hairs are dominating his head which has always been streaked with greys but not as liberally in my memory. added to that is my mum's attitude towards him which makes me feel so sorry for my dad for not having a companion to talk to and support him after all these years. working so hard to earn money to support the money but none of us gives him his due respect and appreciation yet he doesnt mind or grumble about it, taking it as his obligation in life to bring us up and provide for us.

since young i have always been terrified by the idea of "death" but had also acknowledged it as part and parcel of life though not fully accepting the cruel reality. however, whenever i tried to imagine a life without my dad, the image just wouldnt form because the idea itself quite simply froze me. i just cant imagine my days without my dad who has been my sole unwavering support throughout all my years in life despite me having angered and upset him countless times over the years.

i have always thought that the phrase lonely old man is just a sad old phrase that is overused but now, it's such an apt phrase to be applied. my dad is an aging old man with no companion and entertainment except his sudoku books and sat night show.

how i wish i can do more for him but, there are really limitations to even what i can do to change my mum.

思念

2010-11-05T01:31:00.002+08:00

好一句“天冷就回来”

简单的五个字，
传递了亲友们满满的爱戴与思念，
其中也感受到被关爱的温暖。
相信这对于任何在异乡就读的学生而言，
必然是件再幸福不过的事。

除了为失去的友谊感到难过以外，
心里也有些矛盾。
当自己在异国独处时，
是否也会有人记得我，
期待我回家呢？

可怕的念头

2010-10-13T01:28:00.004+08:00

这个时候我最不需要，也最不想要的就是冷嘲热讽。
虽然知道这就是你平日的作风，
但也希望这个时刻的你能静静的当个旁听者就好。

想要有个人了解我的处境与心境为什么就这么难？
我只不过想要有个人陪伴，聆听我的心事。

就像潘多拉盒子一样，一旦打开了，丑事就难以再隐藏于盒内。
或许多话就是其中一大缺点吧。
我也想变回从前不介意孤独一个人的我，
但谁能告诉我，打开了的话闸，究竟该如何再关上呢？
我也不希望做个讨人厌的人，但我给人的感觉似乎就是如此。

真的好累。为什么要一直受这些情绪的牵连，无法自拔？
但我想最可怕的事应该莫过于，自杀的念头最近不断在脑中浮现。
仿佛下一秒若控制不住就会迫使自己作出无法挽回的事。
而且，我清楚的知道，这一次，并不是出于冲动的因素。
这次，种种的一切可能在脑中清晰及理智地交错，一个又一个的选择在不知觉中已被衡量得清清楚楚。
这样冷静的自己让我也感到害怕。

这种念头真的很可怕，尤其因为我深知，我已经没什么好牵挂与眷恋的。
以前还会有人在乎，有人一直在身旁将我从边缘拉回来，但现在，一切都归零了。
就如同昏睡中的人失去存活下去的意志，我好怕若有一天我真的昏迷了，我应该会一觉不醒吧。
心中沉重的负担在睡梦中得到了舒解与释放，如此平静的心境又有何人会无动于衷，不流连忘返呢？

一方面我知道这么做就好想妈妈一样，一句话也不说但就是希望我们能察觉到他有些什么隐秘或烦恼，然后自动替她解决。虽然我很讨厌妈妈的这种行为，但不知觉中，自己却也这么做。什么也不说但总希望会有人在一切无可挽回之际将你从边缘拉回，然后当无人察觉出有什么不一样时，却又感到万分的伤感。这种矛盾的心理恐怕是无法纠正的，也因此，我想一切的一切只有在生命结束的那一霎那才会有所了结。

离别的感伤

2010-10-02T01:36:00.002+08:00

有人曾问我为何经常那么感伤？
当时的我一再的否认，不知该如何回答这个问题。
仔细想一想，
并不是没有快乐的时光，
只不过我想难过的事往往较痛彻心扉
也因此更刻苦铭心，让人难以释怀

很喜欢梁文音的《哭过就好了》。一方面觉得歌曲有疗伤的作用，另一方面觉得歌名真的很棒。
无论遇到什么事，嚎啕大哭一场后，没有什么是解决不了的。
有些人会说哭有什么用，又解决不了事情。但我想，情绪的松懈是很重要的。

突然之间我好害怕，
害怕这一切的一切在我回国后会变得不一样。
这种经验我已经历过一次，一点都不值得回味。
想到现今的朋友会陪我熬夜讲电话，耐心地听我叙述每一天精彩的事，在我哭得稀里哗啦时无奈的听着我哭，在我消失太久后把我拉回现实，在我伤心、难过、生病、烦恼时给予我无限的支持与关怀。
看到朋友留言说好久不见，见个面吧。虽然约到的机率非常的小，但看到这些留言还是真的感到很开心。因为毕竟这证明还有人记得你的存在，虽然没见面但仍关心着你。
我真的很害怕这一切在明年的今日将会变得不一样。
曾经那么紧密依靠的彼此，因为在不同的国度下而出现和太平洋一样的距离。

真是哭得有点莫名其妙。不是我出国但我想我哭得比两位朋友还要厉害吧。
怎么说呢？我真的真的很讨厌离别的情景，但我又很迫不及待的想往他处飞。

朋友-缘分

2010-08-15T02:08:00.001+08:00

缘分是种奇妙的东西.
随时都会有人上你生命的火车，
陪你走过人生的一部分。
但是，
当朋友要离开你的火车时，
谁也拦栽不住谁。

这就是缘分的微妙。
友情，
说来就来，
说断就断。
不要太依赖谁，
因为不会有人陪你走完这一趟火车。

前一秒钟的温柔
随时都可能成为下一秒的泼骂，
为友情龟裂埋下伏笔

2010-08-06T01:28:00.002+08:00

tired.bored.irritated.
with nothing and everything in general

never-ending cycle of finding myself all alone again.
when will all these ever end.
so tired of having absolutely no one to talk to when i need someone

2010-08-05T01:33:00.002+08:00

哭过就好了。但愿真是如此

曾有过的记忆仍历历在目
但人事已非
纵然记忆犹新但事已变迁
不可能回去的过去
让人既心疼又怀念

选择将一切遗忘是胆怯的表现
但我不知道还有什么办法能让我继续自己的人生
所以我选择了逃避

假面的面具

2010-08-01T01:30:00.001+08:00

有时候，真的觉得自己好假。
明明就不开心，
却在电脑和手机面前伪装一副什么都没事的感觉

郁闷，
因为一个简单的简讯
让我回想起一段难堪的回忆
真的很不希望历史再重演
因为我不知道我还有没有重新爬起来的勇气。
而且，这一次，
我真的是一个人了。
没有人会陪我走过任何的风风雨雨，
无条件的给予我支持，
鼓励我要勇敢地去面对一切，
忘掉他人的指指点点，
还有耐心的听着我哭。
多一次的伤害，
真的会把我给击垮，
让我毫无恢复的余地。

所以，
我不能让自己有机会再受到伤害，
不能让历史再有重演的机会。

消失

2010-07-27T03:48:00.003+08:00

若我从地球表面消失，
会有人知，有人在乎吗？
到底多久以后才会有人想起我的存在？
还有，多久以后我的记忆就会从大家脑海中消失?

我真的很累，很累，很累了。
家人的问题，朋友的期望，无数的责任
我快被压得喘不过气了

迷失了自己
过着行尸走肉般的生活
看着眼前的事物在变化
却毫无招架之力去阻挡这一切发生

i am in a diving bell
suffocating in my own world

我需要时间冷静冷静
离开这一切
冷静地思考。
其实，
让脑筋放空也不错
至少让我有喘口气的空间
找回坚持下去的理由

因为，
我知道自己距离崩溃的边缘
其实只剩一线之差

I am not as strong as what you believe

2010-07-24T02:00:00.004+08:00

Lost.
Stressed.
Alone.

Why do people never behave like what they are supposed to? I know I'm more fortunate than many others in my family but still, it is just so tiring to have to be the one pretending nonchalance yet thinking of ways to keep the entire fam together, not to mention solving the various probs for everyone. I don't mind doing all these but it is just so draining. Why are my parents who are supposed to solve probs for me the ones giving me the most probs, and what's worse, I've to solve proba which I am not supposed to have known abt yet. I am so so tired of all these yet I have no way to get rid of all these negative feelings.

I am tired of pretending to be hyper and crazy and trying to get the entire family to go out only to keep facing cold rejects, complaints of tiredness yet having the energy to do so much for others who are just shaking their legs waiting for others to do things for them. When will my voice ever be heard? Must it be till it's too late for regrets before anyone hears me?

I know I have lots to do and I do want to start clearing my stuff, unpack the boxes and tidy my room but I just can't. Endless outings. Unforeseen commitments, sense of guilt. I have no time left. I wish I could just let go of everything too and simply stay home but unfortunately, I don't hv the luxury of doing so. If only my sense of guilt and conscience doesn't choose this time to be functioning.

无奈的心情

2010-07-04T23:15:00.005+08:00

既然你不想理我，
那么当初为何还要来扰乱我已静止的心呢？

本已经让自己不再在乎，
习惯没有你的生活，
你却还要来闯进我的世界。

与其如此藕断丝连
为何不干脆一点
痛快的斩断这份残留的感情。
至少这样，我能放开过去，
放弃一切
走向人生的新一段旅程。

我不想再为这份友谊多付出一滴点感情。

我累了。
既没有多余的精力，也厌倦了如此的生活。
不过我并不会像以往那样想不开。
至少现在，我缺乏这么做的勇气与动力。
或许我也在成长吧。
学习如何淡然面对周遭的事物，
将一切看开。

距离

2010-06-16T04:21:00.002+08:00

一次又一次的失望
是我的期望太强人所难
还是我未找到红颜知己
无论为何，我的心
早已遍体鳞伤

来自不同世界的两人
经过时间的洗礼
及教育的熏染
彼此之间的距离
已变得更遥不可及

我既不属于你的世界
也走不进你的生活
与其执著的守住
放手或许较明智
让一切归零
彼此从新过自己的人生

-----

成人的世界好复杂

我不明白也不想明白
成人之间所玩的招数
但这种封闭自己
逃避现实世界的态度
又能维持多久呢？

努力的想锁住清纯
但面对波涛汹涌的新发现
筑起的围墙也正慢慢的瓦解

心，
变得铁石心肠。
情，
已为廉价物品。
友，
宛如天上晨星。
真假，
早已乱不可分

2009-12-08T02:42:00.002+08:00

有一点点伤心因为刚做了个决定要割舍一段友谊。
但也感到开心因为情绪终于得到些许安抚。

虽然决定有点冲动，
但总觉得与其一直单方面的付出
一直等待对方来珍惜这段友谊，
还不如当其为一场随之而去的梦，
一个萍水相逢的过路客。
至少这样不会有所期待，
也就不会有任何的失望。

情绪不稳定的折磨终于结束了
虽然过程很累，
但像琪琪所说，
这些都是磨练我们成长的必经过程。
能熬过去就代表我们比以前更坚强了。

而且，我也从中明白、看清
谁才是真正会在困难中拉我一把的真心朋友。

其实不是说对方没真心对待他的朋友
但我想我已变得太自私了吧
长期的习惯已成为一种必然
因为有过
所以现今也要求是朋友们数一数二的朋友

但这也太天真了吧
好朋友不是说要有就有的
所以，还是好好记得，
对待新朋友还是需有些耐心

2009-12-02T02:07:00.003+08:00

很久都没像这样疲倦，精力透支了。
真的好累，好累。
好想就这样放下一切包袱，一走了之。

无声的疲惫，能向谁诉说？
又有谁会明白这种行尸走肉的累呢？

很可惜，
我的家人是永远都无法理解这种感觉。

我想，
唯有我跨下的那一天，
他们才会真正明白我所承受的压力吧

2009-11-26T23:25:00.003+08:00

can you please just take a hint and STOP bothering me?! I am not flaring up only because I still treasure this friendship and I know how you would feel if I were to say the things I'm feeling right now. BUT that doesnt mean my patience is LIMITLESS. I cant guarantee how much longer I can refrain myself from just screaming at you.

FYI, I wish to study hard too but YOU always spoil my mood for studying. I have no reason for this sudden change of mindset but all I can say is, I'm TIRED of having to keep repeating the same thing OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

friends

2009-11-22T04:56:00.002+08:00

i used to think that i could be a successful loner or recluse but i was wrong. apparently i cant stand life without anyone to talk to.
i used to think that i had a wide social circle with many close friends to confide in as well. but i was wrong again.

friends. a necessity in our lives yet it drains us even as it fills our day with joy and laughter. seems like i cant live without them yet i am weary of the whole getting-to-know-you process.

old friends. everyone seems to be getting on with a new chapter of their lives, getting to know new friends and adapting to their new social circle.

guess it's just like what dan had once said, it is not just about the sense of being tossed aside again. things change, people change. we have all made new friends and changed our perspectives because of life, no matter willingly or not. things can never go back to being the same. so we can only cling on to memories and get on with life.

for those who have remained, some have became too clingy that made it difficult, if not impossible to speak to them though i fear of speaking too harshly because ultimately, i still treasure the friendship.

new friends. a tiring yet constant process in our life. have certainly made some new friends, some which are acquaintances and some which i feel more comfortable conversing with. but as usual, i fear getting too close too fast without the assurance that the forwardness is welcomed. maybe im getting paranoid, but it does seem at times that my presence is annoying, if not dreaded.

confrontation would do no good since im sure no one would admit it though they might feel that way. guess the only way is simply to stop seeking out the person isnt it? i hope i have the will to follow this through.

i know im a petty and irrational person but since i really cant accept being in the same social circle as someone, the only logical solution is simply to retreat isnt it? unfortunately, im not as noble as others think me to be. to some, it may be a great sacrifice but from my point of view, i guess it is more of a cowardly and self-preserving act isnt it? better to seek out newer friends or opportunities to know new friends than cling on to what i could never have since i have never belonged.

2009-11-01T23:23:00.000+08:00

wahaha! i feel so smart! i managed to figure out what's wrong with the blog template! (with the help of dreamweaver :D)

2009-11-01T23:08:00.002+08:00

i lost my momentum for studying :(

and why am i getting distracted by unnecessary stuff.

guess it's time to stop thinking so much. :(

2009-04-11T22:10:00.003+08:00

刚在jonathan的blog上看到这行字，也不知道为什么，就突然感触良多，读了后心也跟着跳了一下。

“世事難料，活在當下，也許就是存亡之道”

读了这句话后觉得有些感伤，却也深深感受到笔者对生活的无奈。其实这句话并不是什么新的哲学理念，有些人甚至会称它为cliche。也许是在感伤的时候读感伤的话，感觉就不一样吧。

活在当下。谈何容易啊。
存亡之道。简单的四个字带出了无奈及对生命的惆怅，却也让人感受到笔者想要活下去的意志。

也许我只是还没寻找到属于自己的人生道路吧

—————————————————————

除非你愿当我的专署天使，
不然
不要对我太好，
让我沉醉于你的呵护，
习惯你的温柔。

趁我还没陷入太深时，
请不要对我太好。

我只是个渴望有人陪伴的寂寞心灵，
你对我好只会让我产生错觉。
我想，
我倒宁可你不理睬我
好让我死了这条悬挂在半空中的心。

一个人的感觉，
不好受
太过理智的感觉，
更不好受

丑陋的自己

2009-03-01T03:23:00.002+08:00

今天突然间心血来潮，决定去清理一下衣橱。

结果从衣橱到书橱到整理照片，
一样未做完就分心地去做另一件事
真是糟糕

看着布满尘埃的相片簿及开始发黄的照片
我陷入了怀旧的气氛中
开始觉得
我们的日子虽然
时而快，时而慢
但时间却从未停过的嘀嗒着

19岁
这数字看似很多
但其实未然

在回味往事时
才猛然觉悟
发现时间真的会在我们不知不觉中
就这样慢慢的消失

现今看似重大的误会与争吵
在时间的洗礼下
都会显得特别渺小

与其将自己的人生
花费在和人争吵的时候上
倒不如用于丰富自己，
让自己的每一天都能过得毫无遗憾

但这都不是重点。

说到整理照片，
本来有点怀念过去及感慨的心情
在看到一张照片时
全然瓦解了
泪水也一直不停地滴

并没有什么特别的布景
或奇异的动作
这张简单的照片
只不过拍摄了一个母亲拉着年幼儿子的手

看似普通的照片
在有心人眼中
却容易挑起不安与猜疑

伤心的理由很简单
因为那母亲在照片里所露出的笑容
是隐藏多时
也是她从未在女儿面前展现的

很可笑吧
连自己弟弟妹妹的醋也吃

虽然在内心里我知道
我妈在某种程度上是爱我的
但就是甩不掉那种被嫌弃
不讨人喜欢的感觉

对我妈而言
我为她带来的烦恼与问题
应该远远超越
我所为她带来的快乐吧

也不知道是自己做错了什么
还是我的存在的错
总之，
我想不论我再怎样努力
我也应该永远都得不到我妈的认可吧

在成熟的外表下
其实住着一个仍可望母爱的小孩

2009-02-21T02:24:00.001+08:00

i refuse to be a beggar.

call me egoistic or prideful. whatever it is, i still refuse to beg for anything. you either give it to me or you do not.

2009-01-04T01:10:00.002+08:00

shit. i'm falling sick AGAIN. wth. my doctor is probably in a dilemna now. whether to murder me for having stomach problems within 1-2 months of the previous one or be thankful that i've given him tons of business. GAHH i'm pissed with my stomach!! bleh.

anyway, on a happier note, i just watched Princess Diaries on Disney Channel!! it was SUPER NICE and FUNNY! omg i so regret not watching it sooner. haha i didnt plan to watch it actually. just turned on tv cause i thought there was soccer tonight and ended up disappointed. :( oh well nvm. princess diaries more like make up for it! :D hehe now i want to watch the other movies in the series!!

oh and i went to register for my BTT today! haha feeling quite nervous cause my practice is on this weds noon and i'm scared i wouldnt have time to finish reading the book. haiz back to being a mugger. :( i guess i'm sortof looking forward yet dreading the practical lessons cause it's so TERRIFYING! i just cant imagine myself driving a car but well, the excitement is there as well. ok nvm. i think i'm super tired cause i've no idea what i'm saying alr. ><

2008-12-30T21:07:00.002+08:00

今天心情一点都不好

是我错了吗？
我不知道

就当作是一次教训吧
别再太自以为是
总觉得人人都会迁就自己

回想过去
自己随心所欲的发牢骚
并不是所有人都能接受
百无禁忌的畅所欲言纵然痛快
但也只能带来片刻之乐

既然不是什么特别的人
就不该强求别人包容自己的一切
因为我并没有权力这么做

是时侯该好好自我反省了

曾努力尝试不去理会别人看自己的眼光
但显然并未成功
我想这次真的该放手了

我承认
我是个懦弱的人
遇到问题
第一反应就是逃避
我也知道
这绝对不是解决问题的办法
但我就是没勇气去面对
或许有一天我会改变
但绝不是现在

心情不好

2008-12-28T22:24:00.002+08:00

心里头堆积着无数不愉快的事件
不过这次不知为何却没有想向人倾诉的念头

感觉自己心情就好像在玩跷跷板似的
一会儿开心
下一秒却又开始郁闷、不开心

这种感觉真的一点都不好受
不过我却深陷这感情漩涡
无法自拔

好想不顾一切地说出某些话
却又为了顾及局面
而不得不把话吞回肚中
真是虚伪又胆小

没办法
有些话只能藉此来宣泄

1。不说话不代表我并没有感觉
默默无言地让你取笑只是为了大局着想
请不要太过分
也不要总以为自己有多了不起
对任何事都给予批评
不是每个人都有如此能耐去接受你滔滔不绝的发牢骚

成绩好就代表你有权力去瞧不起他人吗
第一次如此希望自己成绩比他人强
并不是为了争什么名次
而只是我非常讨厌看到你那嚣张且看低他人的脸

2。举办活动真的真的是件费心费力的事
尤其当活动涉及于多人时
更是件费时的事

没有人有义务去安排任何活动
但相信任何举办聚会的组办人
都是希望大家能保持联络
且联系感情
才会花费自己的时间与精力
去举办每一场聚会的

对此
我们虽帮不上任何忙
但我们总可以有些基本礼貌吧？
若答应要出席的聚会
即使有多不愿意
多少也该露个面吧
若不想出席
那就别答应别人啊！

无法解释为什么
但我就真的很讨厌很讨厌
那些在最后一分钟才告说不去参加活动的人

真是没礼貌
也不想想别人花了多少心血去主办这个活动的
不愿去就别答应嘛
真该让你们去主办活动
尝尝被人在最后时刻放鸽子的感觉

自所不欲勿施于人
难道你就没听说过吗

3。我好像没这个必要去浪费我的时间与精力
及随时会爆手机费的危险
来换取一个接一个的拒绝吧

若每次安排活动
大家都觉得很闷
或决定缺席因为觉得反正下次还会有活动的话
那我觉得我根本就没有这个必要去为大家举办任何聚会/活动
我真的已经是身心疲惫
大家若觉得没这个必要去聚一聚
那我也可以轻松地过日子
无需成天为了举办聚会而头痛

4。我对于我家已经心灰意冷
无话可说

对朋友的关切远过于对自己家人的关心也就算了
你有必要将自己的心情做到这么明显吗？

还有，
做人不要太过分，欺人太甚
即使是病猫
在被逼到无路可走时
也是会有所反击的

不要以为只有你自己有资格随心所欲的发脾气
每个人都是有感情的
对事件的忍耐也是有极限的

明明是自己的错却死不承认
整天只会没口德的批评别人
对他人不理不睬
还敢恶人先告状
投诉别人不尊重你
也不用头脑想想
你都不尊重别人
还敢强求别人尊重你
真是无聊

还有
真不明白你的想象力怎么会这么好
有事没事就喜欢扭曲他人的话
总觉得大家都在瞧不起你

拜托！
书念得少一点都不可耻
可耻的是从不承认自己有过错
整天只会以死相逼
你以为只有你会这招吗？

说得很好听嘛
你当然了解自己的孩子
是我们不孝顺
一点都不了解你

那你可知道你让自己的孩子在恐惧中长大
你孩子有什么烦恼
遇到什么挫折
你可知道？

你从来就不肯花任何时间来了解自己的孩子
每次要告诉你任何事
你就推说很忙
很累
没空
结果却反过来说我们不和你沟通
也不想想沟通是需要双方的合作
单方面的说话
算什么沟通啊
那我还倒不如去跟墙壁说话算了

对自己的孩子整天只会板着一张脸
和他人的孩子却成天有说有笑的
这样的生活你真的过得很有趣吗？
成天生活在过去
让仇恨主宰你的生活
这样的生活难道你一点都不累吗？

我承认
我是不了解你
因为我确实无法理解为何会有人的胳膊能如此往外伸
却还敢反咬自己的孩子
控诉他们只顾朋友不顾家庭

算了
反正我说什么你也听不进
只有朋友的话是金
我们的话都是垃圾

既然都无能为力
我就没必要去关心你的事
因为那只会让自己再受到多一次的拒绝

超迟的反思

2008-07-29T00:44:00.002+08:00

虽然生日已经过了将近一个月，不过多谢学校的安排，我每日的时间表都排得满满的，功课怎么作业做不完。因此，我只好到现在才说说自己的一些心情。

刚看了以前的posts,发现原来我去年也在生日那天写了一篇自己情绪的波动。今年不知为什么的，我竟然没有以往的兴奋与快乐，反倒像去年一样，闷闷不乐的。我也不知道自己为什么会情绪那么低落。下午和朋友出去吃午餐，不过也没有特别的开心，因为就觉得很不好意思大家特地来为我庆生，尤其因为那次的聚会是我邀大家一起出席的。总之就觉得怪怪的，心情也平平的。甚至到后来的惊喜我也没什么反应，这么说好像辜负了我朋友的好意不过我也不想要这样的啊！我也想在生日那天开开心心的，享受一年那么一天的快乐，不过就不知道为什么我的情绪不肯配合。不过这还算是题外话。><

真正要说的是，其实我那天是有感到一些失望。这么说好像很过分，因为毕竟我们也很久没有聊天联络了，不过我也不能否认自己心里确实在期待着一个人的祝福。怎么说呢，可能因为你的生日就在我之前的那一天，所以即使失去联系那么久了，我还暗中希望你没有忘记我这个曾经的好朋友，会在我生日那天留言给我。即使是简单的一句生日快乐我也会心满意足，因为这代表你并没有忘记我的存在。不过很可惜的，我却没等到这份祝福。我不知道是不是我错了，不该在两年前先放弃这段友谊。即使开始眷恋这份友谊，但我现在也没把握能重新找回这段曾经的友情。

一切就只好随缘吧。

不知天高地厚的笨蛋

2008-01-21T02:13:00.000+08:00

终于觉得自己好像真的不会选朋友。一直以来，我都坚信着自己的判断能力，不过这次我真的错了。

3年前的事本以为只是自己一次的判断错误所造成的。出国前所认识的好友突然选择支持自己的同学而放弃我们之间的友谊，我也当作是自己一次糊涂才会没看清他的真面目。直到现在才真正发现，原来真的是自己高估了自己。世上本来就没有永远的事，这金玉良言流传了几千年，我还天真地想证明这是错误的观念。看来真正愚蠢的人是自己吧。

真正的好朋友一生中若能遇见一个就算是三生有幸了。这句话听过好多次，不过从来就没把它放在心上，因为总觉得自己身旁的好友似乎多过一个，也常以此为傲。毕竟，能有这么多忠心的朋友的确是件幸福的事。这半年来常常会因想起我们所一起度过的美好时光而对自己傻笑，觉得自己真是幸运能结交到一群志同道合的好朋友，以后就会有人陪着去逛街、看电影、唱歌等自己从没享受过的朋友的温暖与陪伴。看来我有错了。

朋友之间不该是没有秘密的吗？那我们这群自认是非常要好的朋友之间为何又会隐藏着这么多秘密，这么多暗号呢？我不明白。是自己太迟钝没发现事情有任何异样，还是自己根本就没被信任过?

不过，我清楚的知道一件事。原来自己从未属于过。一切的美好也只是一厢情愿罢了。

这样也好，至少我不会再不知羞耻，不知分寸的硬想挤入你们的生活圈。

心情的跷跷板

2007-10-04T02:39:00.001+08:00

最近似乎无法控制自己的情绪，总是穿梭于开心与难过之间。不知为什么就突然觉得好累好累。厌倦了千篇一律的生活，对周遭的事感到厌恶，对自己毫无把握。真的讨厌这样的自己，不过却又无法改变。已经尽量地在控制自己火爆的脾气不过却又常常受不了他人的刺激。真是自找的麻烦。

发现自己每年到了年底时就会有种想放弃一切的感觉，身心疲惫得只想用假期来好好补充一下自己的精力。为什么会把自己搞得这么累我也不知道。是我太不自量力，总把与自己无关的事往身上揽，还是我的时间分配有问题？我想两者都有吧。

考完试了不是应该开心的吗？可是偏偏就开心不起来。心里闷闷不乐的但却还得装嬉皮笑脸，心事有谁知？刚发现原来真正了解我并能与他们谈心事的人还真的少得可怜。虽有着众人所认为的广大社交圈子，不过我这才发现，原来知心朋友只有一个。在我生病发高烧时，也只有你一个会关心我，每天的慰问简讯真的令人感动。在我有任何困难时，你不论在做些什么都总是会尽力帮助我，给予我最大的鼓励与支持。在我伤心难过的时候，也只有你在电话的另一头默默地听着我语无伦次的哭诉。我想我欠你的真的太多太多了。谢谢你这几年来的照顾，支持与关心。虽然未来仍是个未知数，不过真的很希望我们的友谊能长久下去，因为我想你应该是全世界上最了解我的人了吧。

过去的就应该让它过去，这话说得简单不过实践起来还真是困难。虽然说是我自己下的决定要拉远我们彼此之间的距离，但我仍会不经意的想起我们当初所拥有的一切。人有时就是这么践吧，口里说一套但心里却想另一套。不知道故事从这之后会如何发展，虽然希望我们能找回从前的那种默契，不过我想既然已作了决定，就不应该再后悔、期待故事会有另一个结局。3段不同的友谊，得来不易，不过却在转眼间消失得无影无踪。

刚大哭完一场后，发现原来泪水真的有治疗的功效。心里头原有的烦躁与不愉快全都在泪水的洗礼下被冲走了。虽然现在双眼肿得很厉害，不过我终于能心平气和的重新振作起来面对现有的挑战，一点痛和这比起来根本算不了什么。

Mood Swinging again

2007-07-03T21:29:00.000+08:00

Hmmm started the day feeling rather irritated and gloomy for some unknown reasons. Perhaps it was the unceasing ringing of the alarm clock or maybe it was my dad's endless naggings about how he's going to be late for work if I dont get ready by 6.30 and call yinghao to be down by that time too. Whatever it is, something just snapped inside me and I had a mini-quarrel with my dad in the car, meaning I had my 2 sentences before he blast me continuously and I have to shut up.

So went school with only a clip file and a lecture pad coz there isnt much lessons for today. Was being guai and listening, ABSORBING (for once) wang xin wu's cheemo teachings when I received this sms that spoilt my day again. From ms lum to tf, me and all the other grp leaders, the sms is basically about how she has oral duty from 2-5pm so she cant make it for our meeting at 4pm but we’re to go ahead with our own rehearsals. And then, tf and I are supposed to welcome the new-comers to the group. Guess what? Of ALL the overseas attachment programs available in hwa chong, I JUST have to end up in the same program as the no. 1 猪八戒. What the !$@%@$% hell la! The sms totally spoil my day and add it to a already depressed mood, I was rather on the verge of just bursting out into tears right in front of wang xin wu lo. What’s worse is that tf actually DARES to LAUGH and snicker after reading the sms, saying crap stuff like happy working together or something. I consider it a miracle that I didn’t hit him when he said that.

Went maths lesson feeling moody and then, Boo just has to return us our block test paper today. Since I’ve already decided that I’d be lucky to even pass maths, I wasn’t very enthu about the returning of papers but being the kpo me, I went forward to ask mrs boo how did we do and surprisingly, she said we did much better than our lecture test. So I felt better and was looking forward to receiving my paper back, especially after seeing the high scores that shiting, lijie and various others got. HOWEVER, there were only a few “high” passes before all the failed papers start to surface and I got demoralised again. (if even borui fails, how can I possibly do well?!) Therefore, you can probably imagine my utter shock at seeing my paper with a 58 written on it. Obviously it isnt much to muggers in my class like shiting, yujay and guanhui but for someone who has been constantly failing maths since sec 3, I would say this is a remarkable achievement indeed! Yup so the paper cheered me up considerably, especially after I had one more mark added due to some mistakes on mrs boo’s behalf. Or perhaps I just had a more unique way of presenting my workings. :P

After ending maths lesson on a more cheerful note, went to find my dear snr to talk to but evil him was busy talking to someone else so I went to have lunch with my class after all. Haha just realised that shiting makes a very amusing companion. oh n I saw some unexpected person in school today which gave me a rather pleasant surprise. =) lijie was behaving spas-tically in her attempt to see the features of the person clearly which was very hilarious. :D

Just to mention, this is the BEST econs lecture that I’ve been to since the start of the year. Omg the lecturer is FUNNY la!! Haha she looks like a little girl too though I couldn’t see her clearly from where I was sitting, right at the back of the LT. >< oh well.. but her lecture was at least entertaining and I didn’t fall asleep! Woohoo! I’m so proud of myself today lo. The previous lecturer makes me wanna fall asleep though I know whatever he’s teaching is very important and relevant but… I just couldn’t help it. :(

Had a useless pw lecture and lesson which I felt was not very productive. Haiz stress is piling up again and datelines are back to haunt us.

Went to poolside to talk to snr for a while before going salt centre with xiaowen to learn the Indian dance. Bole chuliyan is SO difficult la! Argh I rather learn shava shava lo! At least it’s EASIER and the moves are much easier! Actually it’s just that bole chuliyan has tons of hips shaking la BUT my hips are totally NOT flexible at all! Which’s why I was having a hard time grasping the dance steps. But all in all, personally I think we made quite a lot of progress in terms of our rehearsal today and that’s at least something to be happy about. :)

Hehe that just about sums up my “emotional” day today and I realised this is a very long post indeed. Good luck to those who managed to finish reading all the ramblings. :P

P.s: my mum rocks!! She bought me a super nice watch last sat when we’re out eating breakfast and doing some light shopping at bpp. I like my watch!! :D haha I think she meant it to be my birthday present though the way she phrased it, she sounds as though she’s just preventing me from asking my dad for a watch on my birthday cause that’d be after the GST hike. -.-“

《北极星的眼泪》

2007-07-02T03:54:00.000+08:00

破裂了的感情就像断了线的风筝，从此消失于辽阔的天空中。

听着张栋梁的《北极星的眼泪》，不由得觉得有些感伤。不知是因为这首歌看似我现在生活的写照，还是因为我现在的心情糟透了。

《北极星的眼泪》
像断了线
消失人海里面
我的眼终于失去
你的脸
再等一会
奢望流星会出现
愿
如果真的实现
爱能不能永远
明天
或许来不及变
但曾经走过的昨天
越来越远
北极星的眼泪
说不出的想念
原来我们活在
两个世界
北极星的眼泪
你哭红的双眼
被淋湿的诺言
淹没在心里面
我抬头看着
爱不见

再等一会
奢望流星会出现
愿
如果真的实现
爱能不能永远
明天
或许来不及变
但曾经走过的昨天
越来越远
北极星的眼泪
说不出的想念
原来我们活在
两个世界
北极星的眼泪
你哭红的双眼
被淋湿的诺言
淹没在心里面
我抬头看着
爱不见

当对的人
等不到对的时间
就在放放开手的瞬间
爱撕成两边
北极星的眼泪
说不出的想念
原来我们活在两个世界
北极星的眼泪
你哭红的双眼
被淋湿的诺言
淹没在心里面
我抬头看着爱
不见
整个宇宙都
流眼泪

是啊，在茫茫人海中我们竟然如此有幸认识了对方。缘份也许就是那么微妙，有缘人千里能相会，两条平行线也总有交叉的一天。

这一路走来，我们的友谊历经不少波折，彼此之间的距离也拉近了不少。但只可惜，到最后，我们终究没法做到“永远的友谊”。拉远了的心让我看不到，也感觉不到你的踪影。

友谊不论再怎么坚定，一旦失去了彼此的信息，再坚固的感情也会有动摇的一天。在我们没了话题可聊的那一刻起，我们之间仅剩的默契也随即消失了。

将心比心，我想我亏欠你的也太多太多了，所以我也没资格说些什么。

究竟是谁变了？我想，这已不再重要。

random ramblings + possibility of mood swing

2007-06-14T00:05:00.000+08:00

im seriously just going to collapse from either exhaustion/frustration/lack of sleep one of these days, most probably before blocks. this might just be one of my mood swings again i dont know but whatever it is, i feel that i've wasted my whole hols doing crap and not spending it wisely.

my revision are screwed up BADLY, meaning barely started on it, my pw is dying like dont what because im such an irresponsible group leader who has yet to inform my group members on what they are supposed to do. but thing now is, im a sucky person who dont understand the focus of the project and how it's going to continue. how in the world am i supposed to think of what needs to be done and allocate the jobs in that case?

i realise i suck. nevermind.

BLOCKS!

2007-06-12T00:14:00.000+08:00

quick update before im off for more mugging. im so so so screwed! have barely started on my revision and hols are already coming to an end. dunno but my hols just seemed to be crammed with useless stuff. or perhaps it's just me who's still slacking. who knows.

whatever it is, i need to find my drive back! mug!! gahh someone please motivate me to study instead of slacking around after less than 5 mins of attempted studying. im in desperate need of tutors now.. :(

2 wks are looking as though they'll pass damn fast and there's still PW!! argh im so dead! =( at this rate i probably wun even live to see my bdae. :(

七彩世界黯淡了

2007-06-02T09:45:00.000+08:00

学着独立起来

尽管百般的不愿意但又如何？这，应该是人生中必经历的一段吧？

我想我应该是个容易被人遗忘的人。。即使遍体鳞伤也无人在乎，生活还真是可悲。

算了，现在说这些又有什么用？一切都已不再重要了。唯一能做的应该只有咬紧牙关，熬过这一切吧。不过，纸上谈兵果真比实际行动来的容易多。

我想，我真的已经累了。累到无力去整理自己乱七八糟的生活，无力去调理自己复杂的心情。对周遭的一切漠不关心，甚至是倍感反感，相信这应该不是原来的我吧？是我改变了还是这一切都只是因为我在闹脾气呢？

我也不知道。

算了，说再多又能如何？还不是依旧改变不了自己微不足道的事实。反正大哭大闹都不能解决问题，生闷气也无人会过问。与其做这些伤害自己的事情，还倒不如放下一切，自己一人过着宁静的生活。

我想我是真的厌倦永远被排放在第二位置的感觉了。所以，我一定会学着独立，试着坚强的。

一个人的世界虽寂寞、灰暗，但我却已无力再次忍受被遗忘的伤痛。破碎了的心不论怎么修补，曾经有过的裂痕是永远都抹篾不掉的。

就这么最后一次，让不听话的眼睛再任性一次吧。

累坏了，
伤透了，
心，也碎了。

Badminton Outing! =)

2007-05-31T00:06:00.000+08:00

badminton outing is FUN! personally i think it was quite a success since 10/11 of the girls turned out and most of us stayed over! quite a number of guys came too and i was quite surprised that chenjia actually turned up and stayed over. didnt know he was so enthu! :D but anw, blades of glory was INTERESTING.. haha so much sexual insinuation la and it rated PG can!! jinglin, mabel and i were laughing like crazy and jinglin even laughed till she cried! haha so dramatic! so it was not a bad choice given the fact that we had wanted to watch pirates initially. wonder when would i have the time to watch it now.

after watching such a hilarious movie, it's finally time to meet the rest who didnt want to come for the movie. went to vivomart first to get some supplies for bbq later i think and also ALCOHOL! hehe thankfully we've our dear seniors with us who are 18! haha i never knew that jinny is an alcohol EXPERT! she looked so pro debating with weilun and qihui which type of alcohol to buy and which one taste nicer! bought barcadi with 37.5% alcohol content in the end. think it is the first time that i drink any wine with such high alcohol content?? cause usually my family only drinks red wine or champagne and my dad doesnt really allow me to drink any other stronger alcoholic drinks. haha then the rest of the guys were being lame and wanted to buy shampoo or something, i cant really remember, for wensheu. oh and one major discovery i made during the trip was, wensheu knows lynn and grace!! omg la! i had a big shock when i saw wensheu together with lynn at vivomart. apparently they knew each other during the new zealand trip lynn went in sec 2. what a small world indeed!

went mrt to wait for chenjia den proceed to bus stop to wait for tingyu before boarding the bus to wensheu's hse. and OMG!! his hse is BEAUTIFUL! haha to quote from baojun "this is my dream house already". i mean, obviously this isnt my first time in a semi-d (or was it a terrrace?) BUT his 3 storey(!) house is very nice!! ahhh i like his room the most! now i regret not taking pictures of it.. :( his house has such a nice warm and cozy feeling to it!

anyway, was quite surprised to see baojun, deanna and tongyuan there already busy helping out with the bbq. haha i was still wondering how come they never join us.. hmmm then needless to say, the girls ended up being the ones bbq-ing and the guys just happily sat down and TALK! wth la! absolutely NO gentlemanly manners at all! gahh but there are still SOME nice ~~guys~~ seniors la! like qihui and tongyuan who helped us out. =) haha forgot who told me this but someone was telling me that yibing and tongyuan are very compatible together cause both are super nice people and always helping others out. :D

after some time at the bbq pit, i finally got to eat and i'm proud to say that chicken wings have become my fav again! haha other than the fact that it's very difficult to eat, BBQ chicken wing rocks! so yummy and you can just feel the oil oozing out as you bite in! FANTASTIC!! :D

haha went strolling round wensheu's neighbourhood with baojun after eating and both of us were basically ooh-ing and ahh-ing over all the houses then dreaming of having one for ourselves in the future. oh and we saw this UNIQUE house which was built like a ship. DAMN COOL!! haha which reminds me, when we were walking to wensheu's house earlier in the day, we walked past this beautiful house and everyone stopped walking for a few moments to admire it. there's a difference though, the girls were admiring the deco and design of the house whereas the guys stopped to admire the sleek red sports car parked inside. -.-"

nothing much after that as the guys continue their talking and playing of PS, i think, at the 3rd level of wensheu's house. they were SO NOISY that we could hear them through the closed door of wensheu's room on the 2nd storey?! haha the girls happily occupied wensheu's room as our own and started playing CARDS in there! :D woohoo chao fun! i missed playing bridge with so many people!! and we kept bugging baojun to beg her parents to let her stay too cause it might just be the last sleepover badminton is having and so she shouldn't miss it. plus all her NICE and CUTE juniors miss her so she should stay! haha so poor baojun ended up calling her parents three times and YIPPIE! she finally got permission to stayover! :D haha we were all so happy la! can tell that baojun is WELL-LOVED by her juniors.. hehe..

the girls took turns to bathe after that and baojun being the first to bath, had the first look at wensheu's bathroom and she was stunned! haha all the girls went over to oooh and ahhh over his bathroom after that cause it looks as though it's some hotel bathroom!! damn nice! if im not wrong, it has a marble table and a bath tub. furthermore, it's BIG!! oh my goodness lo! haha baojun said something which i think echoed everyone's sentiments, "if i can stay in this house, i'll have no more wishes le" ahhh i like wensheu's house!!

after much exclaiming, we went downstairs to watch this gory jap movie (battle royale i think) where students are abandoned on an island and they are supposed to kill each other till there's only one survivor who will win the "game". it's something like lord of the flies and i didnt really enjoy it since i wasnt in the mood to think and feel. haha but weilun had AMUSING expressions while watching the show. he was sitting in the rocking chair looking like an old grandpa when there was this part where someone was about to get killed quite brutally. he quickly ducked his head and peeked out his eyes from the sofa in front of him. very funny pose which i totally didn't expect from him! haha i realise he's full of surprises, or perhaps i just had a lot of misconceptions about him previously. but anw, jinny opened the bottle of alcohol and we mixed it with F&N grape to drink. wensheu the pro drank it without mixing! haha jinny and i were shocked when he say he dont need to mix it with any other drink. :O mabel drank quite a bit and her face turned red. haha then she went toilet for such a long time that we thought she'd vomitted so went to find her. turns out she was hiding cause her face was flushed red. >< jinglin and her eventually decided to chiong out once the door is open. i think jinglin and her were the only two to feel discomfort after drinking alcohol ba. jinny and i were still ok though jinny's face was a bit flushed too.

hmm the rest of them watched another show after that but i was getting bored so went back to wensheu's room to play snap with mabel n jinglin. haha mabel was so funny la! will have that exasperated and irritated look on her face whenever she fails to get the cards. haha and being the one with the slowest reflex, i ended up losing both rounds which took up quite a lot of time and refreshed us up too. haha but while we were playing, some of the guys came in and went to lie down on wensheu's bed so we were wondering whether we should leave and let them have their sleep when we heard nigel saying "eh dont sleep hor." repeatedly so we continued playing. :D haha but there was a period of time when it was really silent and it felt as though they were sleeping so we didnt dare to play for fear of waking them up. >< i think they finally realised our presence after some time cause the whole lot of them suddenly went out of the room to go upstairs. :D

after getting tired of snap, we went up and down the house trying to find some source of entertainment to no avail. luckily after our last trip downstairs, they found baojun waking up from her sleep so dragged her up to play daidee. michael, weilun, qihui, wensheu and tingyu came in after some time and played indian poker. >< haha then jo, mabel, jinglin and me went to play heart attack while they play bluff. both groups got tired of the games in the end and we decided to play BLACKJACK with $$! haha it was highly entertaining to say the least.

we were all lazy to go find our wallets so we devised a new form of payment using another deck of cards. facing up means have to pay the banker while facing down means the banker has to pay u. baojun was the first banker and she lost money sadly. then it was weilun's turn i think. he was losing to everyone except baojun who had 3 cards facing up. so he was saying he'll stop when baojun has 5 cards facing up and then, he got blackjack for the next round. -.-" was laughing like crazy after that. so after changing banker, this crazy person was feeling quite pro and decided to try his luck at 5 cards despite getting 16 with 4 cards already. he won the risk in the end and became so egoistic after that. >< haha cause tingyu is sort of blur about the game and was consulting jo and me when he say "ask me ask me! i very pro one!" obviously he got diaoed by us in the end but it was funny to hear him say that since he usually seems so guai and sensible.

hmm all of us took turns to be banker and it seems everyone lost $$ except for weilun and me. i was quite lucky to get 19, 20 and 21 for the three times that i was banker. haha then weilun n qihui were saying dont want me to be banker liaoz cause i very lucky. =) actually i had a blackjack too but cause i flipped open one of michael's card accidentally so they were all saying must re-shuffle. haha and michael got blackjack for that round too so he wouldnt have gotten $$ even if we continued.

after everyone had their turn at being banker thrice, we finally used up all our energy and decided to succumb to sleep. next thing i know, i was woken up by some talking and laughing sounds. turns out becky was enjoying herself taking photos of everyone sleeping. haha and weilun had a rather dramatic response so she decided to try waking him up with a strand of hair! but sadly, after she managed to wiggle her way to the back of the sofa, weilun woke up! >< so sad! haiz no show to watch le..

But, we discovered another thing about weilun after the sleepover! he's terrified of dogs cause he was chased by one when he was young. everyone was laughing at his response cause he will quickly run up the stairs whenever the dog approaches. dunno why too but the dog just seems to have a liking for him and kept going to find him. :D haha and nigel did something mean to the dog! they called for Mcdelivery at 2+am then the dog came over just when nigel was about to open his cheeseburger or sth so he quickly left it on the table. after that when the dog was lying down and ignoring weilun's stupid commands of sit and stand, nigel took up the still-wrapped cheeseburger and waved it some distance away from the dog just to get it to stand up. damn mean la!! evil!

haha that just about conclude my day with badminton people. oh and we went vivo for breakfast the next morn. i had noodles cause was afraid i will get gastric pain later. LUCKILY i ate such a heavy breakfast cause i fell asleep immediately when i reached home later in the day at 4+pm till 8.30am this morn. slept for a total of 16 HOURS with only a bowl of noodles eaten ytd morning in my stomach. it's a wonder i didnt get my famed gastric pains. but anw, reached home quite late ytd cause we went to play pool after breakfast or rather, tongyuan, qihui, michael, chenjia, becky, tingyu, wensheu and weilun played while nigel slept and mabel, jinglin, jo and i watched on. it was quite an interesting match cause i never knew that tongyuan can play pool so well! the four of them (qihui, chenjie, tongyuan and michael) look so pro playing la! haha but becky wasnt too bad either.. played 1 on 1 with weilun somemore. :D but it was FREEZING COLD in there! all of us (actually only the inactive ppl like me, jinglin, mabel and jo ><) were shivering like siao and i was wearing FBTs somemore! after nearly 2 hours of pool, they finally decided to go home! haha blur me followed jo and others out of the elevator and was wondering why mabel never follow when jo told me that to mrt, i should take the lift to B2. so i 似懂非懂地 went back to the about-to-close lift and continue my blur journey home. except that i went bp lib to stone for a while first before going home. :D

hehe that is all for my badminton outing cum movie cum bbq cum first sleepover. :D this long post is full of ramblings but nvm.. it still holds wonderful memories to be remembered and relived in the future. =)

exhilarating experience??

2007-05-08T22:11:00.000+08:00

haha have a urge to blog today after a sudden realisation that i've been daoing my cute little blog for too long. :D anw, today was such an INTERESTING day!

haha smart me forgot to bring my passport size photo for the taiwan immersion program application form and today is like a super late time to hand in le la! the deadline was what, 30th april? i had actually filled up the form and brought everything ytd already but i didnt know it requires parents signature then guai me didnt want to forge signature so brought it home again to let dad sign. THEN to my utter horror, i realised on my way to school today that i left the photo in my report book which i conveniently took out from my bag this morning. :( haiz damn smart of me but nvm. so i had to rush to coro to take photo after i ponned sch legitimately at 10.30. haha felt so shuang to pon lessons when all i did after that was just to rot in the sch hall. =)

haiz but didnt manage to go for the interview in the end cause the stupid timing clashes. oh well, have to go find mr lee in pe dept tmr to settle the "short" interview. hopefully everything will be fine. :) haha tingyu and becky were so lame today la. i was fretting after badminton competition about whether nigel had helped me handed up the form or not (i stuffed the form into his hands as we were coming down the hall cause there was no one i recognise in the vicinity and i desperately need to hand it in by today, so just asked him to help me pass to ms lum and he was like "huh i dunno who's she" but all i had time to say was "pe dept. ok thanks ar!" before rushing off to catch the bus.) then tingyu and becky happily suaned him after i told them of my worries, saying what "oh he's a hemhem very responsible person. dont worry. he'll help you hand in de", "did he appear blur when you asked him to help you submit the form? if yes then it's ok. it's his usual expression. but if he look smart, then ar he's acting smart" 真是让人啼笑皆非。

badminton competition was SCARY! i somehow ended up as linesman for all 5 games of ACJC vs JJC matches then it was entertaining to say the least. but so sad i didnt manage to catch jo, xuerong, tingyu, becky, baojun, deanna and jinny in action. :( oh well. anw JJC's singles practically owned ACJC la! their first single is IMBA and totally just thrashed ACJC's 1st single like EFFORTLESSLY?! oh my la! but they were very unlucky in their doubles, making a lot of stupid and careless mistakes which could have been avoided. so it was 2-2 and the 2nd place for group stage boils down to the 3rd single. it was such a pity cause personally i think JJC's singles was better in terms of skills but her tactic was wrong. the ACJC girl wasnt as skillful but she can run. then somehow the JJC girl kept trying to make the ACJC person run all over the court instead of just smashing or netting the shuttlecock which the ACJC girl wouldnt have been able to take so easily. haiz sad story but basically JJC lost the 3rd set because the JJC person was just too impatient and made quite a couple of stupid mistakes. so deanna, jinny and i were still sitting at our linesman area when JJC'S top single walked past us to go to their school's territory, and we suddenly hear a loud bang of something smashing to the ground. we saw to our horror a broken racket snapped at its stem and strings that were all snapped too. the JJC top single then just walk straight on stonily to lean against the metal sheet. the 3 of us were so scared that we hurried away to our area, and then we suddenly hear lots of banging against the metal sheet and saw the girl kicking and smashing that poor metal sheet. apparently she went hysterical and started screaming that it's all the other girl's fault and so on. the coach tried to calm her down but she kept pushing him away that eventually he had to sort of shake her to get her to calm down and not be so hysterical. so scary!! haha but tiffany thinks that the hysterical girl episode is the only highlight of today's competition. evilevil :P

yupz that just about conclude the exciting day today and im going to sleep now! have bloodshot eyes for some unknown reason and it's so painful! :( couldnt even open my eyes properly la! haiz better go get some rest lest i have rabbit eyes next. nitez! =)

学着放下过去，向往未来

2007-03-15T11:01:00.000+08:00

here's the lyrics of some song i found on my senior's blog and i found it to be rather meaningful. indeed, we should just let the past become history and concentrate on the future. it makes sense doesnt it? but sometimes, life juz doesnt go the logical way.

曲名：跟往事干杯

经过了许多事你是不是觉得累
这样的心情我曾有过几回
也许是被人伤了心也许是无人可了解
现在的你我想一定很疲惫

人生际遇就象酒有的苦有的烈
这样的滋味你我早晚要体会
也许那伤口还流着血也许那眼角还有泪
现在的你让我陪你喝一杯

干杯朋友就让那一切成流水
把那往事把那往事当当作一场宿醉
明日的酒杯莫再要装着昨天的伤悲
请与我举起杯跟往事干杯

how i wish i can just forget about the past and carry on with the future without any worries. maybe someday i will if i tell myself this long enough.

黄城夜韵’07 - 宣传组 - 《我们的回忆》

2007-03-13T11:31:00.000+08:00

黄城夜韵'07 终于圆满落幕但多少人的心情也随着平复了呢？3个月的努力和付出就这样在观众的热烈掌声中默默地结束了，想起来还真是有点不甘心。在加入黄城这大家庭之前虽然知道结束时会是怎样的心情，但身在其中的感觉真的一点都不好受。回想起和宣传组所一起经历过的一切，每天准时4点钟到lep room报到、不到天黑不回家、几乎每天都一起出去吃饭、the endless discussions on banner, program booklet, huangcheng t-shirt, xuanchuan pullover, vt board design and etc，这些经验是多么的可贵、多么的难得。这感觉和回忆也非常的温馨，而我相信非黄城人是决不懂这种感受究竟是如何的。要不是因为有缘，相信我们这一群人也不会就此相遇，就此携手度过匆忙的两、三个月。有些人可能觉得这些话真的很cliche但他们确实是我黄城之旅的真实写照。要不是当时云舟的一番话，要不是因为当初我没进入票务，许多个“要不是”让我有缘和这一班宣传组员相遇，对于这些新结识的朋友，我也格外珍惜彼此之间难而可贵的友谊。相信不只是我，所有参与过黄城夜韵2007的人在今后的日子里都会look upon the days we shared together with fondness and wistness. the joy and satisfaction we shared were indeed worth all the hard work we had put in. no words would ever be enough to express all these intangible feelings, but hopefully pictures would be able to freeze some of the moments we shared, and store in eternal time what words cannot do.